it’s been awhile

Today was a beautiful day in Winona, so I decided to take Chet for a walk. As I’ve said many times, I have to see Chet on a semi-regular basis because he’s the only “person” who ever gets that excited to see me, and it reminds me that someone loves me. Sure, I wouldn’t really like it if a human jumped all over me and started licking me when he/she saw me, but when it’s Chet, I let it slide. And I think it’s adorable. (Mostly, except that then my clothes get all dirty and I smell like slobber). Anyway, whenever I need a self-esteem boost, or just want to smile, I know going to visit Chet won’t disappoint. As I walked up the driveway, he spotted me from the crack in the fence and started jumping and barking and getting all excited. I opened the gate and out he came, jumping and licking. My heart smiled. (I pretend he does this because he loves me SO much, not because he spends 95% of his time alone). After he calmed down a little bit, I hooked the leash on him and we headed out. I try not to cross any major streets with him, but today I had my mind made up that I wanted to go down by the river, so it was inevitable. We were coming up on this alley, when a car came out from behind the snowbank right as we were stepping out into the alley. At that moment, Chet stopped and put his entire body in front of me, blocking my path, protecting me from getting hit by a car. Sure, it was probably just a weird coincidence, but I’ll let myself think that he did it purposely.

After finishing up my walk with the pup, I was brave and went to a movie by myself. Sad, I know. It is one of the things I hate the most, and I’ve only done it three times now because it makes me feel really lonely. But, I wanted to see the movie and I guess I was feeling more courageous than normal today. It was fine, and I survived. It’s just something I don’t think I’ll ever get used to. So that’s why I’ll only do it once every three years.

I’m also currently trying to plan my upcoming vacation. I’ve been going back and forth with a few different options, and am now seriously considering heading to Spain to see Lisa. I’m scared to go that far alone, but maybe I just need to grow up. I’m trying to find dates that work with school and assignments, so we’ll see what I come up with in the next day or so. All I know is that I need a few days to relax or my head might explode. And nobody wants that. (I hope!)

Babysitting a baby Chet. Instant BFFs.
Chetty's first snowfall!

going the distance

The other day, I watched the movie “Going the Distance.” There’s this scene where the two characters are sitting on a bench, people watching and just talking. Drew Barrymore’s character says, “The only way you’re content in life is if you marry your best friend.” This got me thinking. I agree with it. I don’t see how I could marry someone I’m not friends with. A few weeks ago, someone told me that their significant other didn’t have any of the qualities they looked for in a friend. At the time, I kept my mouth shut, because it’s not my life so I can’t really comment. But I just couldn’t imagine being with anyone who I didn’t consider a friend. What kind of life would that be? I’d want someone who would be my partner and be on my side, someone I can count on and look to when I need to be encouraged, challenged, or just need a shoulder. Someone who can make me laugh without even trying. I’d want someone I could sit with for hours just talking, tell my secrets to, and trust. That sounds like a friend to me. It’s hard to even fathom what a relationship would be like if you didn’t consider the other person one of your closest friends.

Actually, now that I think of it, I do know what that type of relationship would be like. I got to that point in one of my past relationships, and it was pretty much the worst thing ever. To have the person you spend most of your time with be someone you can’t even talk to – horrible, I don’t recommend it. I remember going to a lot of movies over that time, because then we weren’t expected to talk to each other so I could pretend like things were fine. Maybe people just have to go through that to realize it’s not how it’s supposed to be.

Or maybe my standards are just too high and that’s why I’m single. I don’t know. When I look at my friends and their relationships, I can see the ones that are genuinely friends with their partners, and I can tell those are the relationships that will last. And that’s what I hope for some day… maybe that’s stupid but I’m just gonna keep on hoping for it.

 

week one…

I have officially survived my first week of working full time and being a full time student. Woo hoo! (It’s all about little victories) It wasn’t so bad, but I guess that’s expected since I didn’t have any homework yet. Despite this, I already have the dull, non-stop headache that takes over every semester. Only four months to go. Awesome.

I’m already cranky and can feel that I’m on the edge. Another plus. I will have to engage in some self care to keep me from going over the edge. Tonight I made the executive decision to not start homework but instead to watch a movie and the re-run of The Office wedding. 🙂

Hopefully I can keep myself sane by looking forward to taking some time off in a month or so. It’s just going to be an extra busy semester with planning a baby shower and gearing up for a wedding this summer, so I feel like I need something to look forward to in order to stop myself from just freaking out. I hate being stressed and bitchy but it always seems to happen when I have to deal with school. Only 2 more years and then I’m done! (Ugh… that’s a long time). I am also looking forward to a free summer with NO classes. I made that decision last summer but I just need to keep reminding myself that I need to stick to it.

On the bright side, last weekend we went dress shopping for Michelle and Tom’s wedding. Michelle found an amazing dress that she looks gorgeous in, and we found bridesmaid’s dresses that are awesome too. In just 7 months from today we’ll be dancing away at their reception! Can’t wait!!!!!!!

Onto week two…..

an ode to nice girls

The other night I spent awhile re-visiting “stumbleupon” – basically because I was really bored and didn’t feel like watching tv. I came across a lot of crap, with a few interesting sites stuck in here and there. One that I found intriguing was called An Ode to the Nice Guys

Basically it’s some guy bitching about how girls always say they want the nice guy, but in reality always go for assholes. What I have to say to this “nice guy” is: I feel for you. Most of what was written in that article was true – and I’m sure it sucks for guys. I think it only takes girls a matter of time to realize that they really do want the nice guy. In my experience that’s true anyway. Basically my only criteria now for guys is that they’re not assholes. I think it just takes girls having to deal with one final asshole to realize they need someone nice. However long that takes though, who knows.

The entire time I was reading it, all I could think about is how it works the same way for girls. Nice girls never get the good guys. Guys go for the slutty, bitchy, stupid girls. This is something I will never understand. I just thought back to my own life and all my guy friends and the countless times I’ve had to listen to them complain about their girlfriends. About how the girls always complained about everything, how he always have to pay for dates, how the girl would disapprove of everything he did, etc. I’ve had friends who couldn’t talk to their girlfriends about anything important, who admit that their girl isn’t that smart, or that good of a friend. My only question is, “Why would you put up with that??” It’s like guys don’t realize there are girls out there who want to be equally financially involved in a relationship. Or be ok with just hanging out and having a night in. Or let a guy make his own decisions and not freak out if he hasn’t called by a certain time. Or actually be laid back, not just pretend to be. Guys, there ARE girls out there who are genuinely nice.

But, instead, guys insist on going for the bitchy girls. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard “you’re the nicest person I know.” That’s nice to hear, but it really doesn’t count for anything. The same people who say that are usually the ones who say “why would you want to hang out with me anyway? You’re such a better person than me.” So, am I to understand that I’m single because I am just too too good of a person and no one thinks they deserve me? That’s bullshit.

I don’t know if guys really do want bitches, or if they’ll come to realize they do actually want a nice girl. Who even knows, but if I have to listen to one more guy complain about his bitchy, controlling girlfriend, I might scream.

my year…

Over the past month or so, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. (Scary, I know!) It all started with some fake Christmas letters I wrote that made me realize how ridiculous my personal life has been over the past year. I spent too much time being reckless and pretending that I could keep myself from getting my feelings hurt, so I fell for the wrong people. Over and over again. Ugh…

Despite all of the stupid things I did in 2010, I really did have a blast. Even though I started the year off moving away from everything and everyone I knew, spent awhile hating my life and being depressed, things started to look up. I had crazy, silly moments with friends, dominated dart boards, acted like a dumbass, and shared special moments with the people I love. I got to see one of my best friends get married, hear I’m going to be an aunt, be a mom to a crazy little kitten, meet the cutest puppy ever, and just go adventuring. The year ended with more wonderful news from my friends too. For the most part, 2010 was the year when I did whatever I wanted. Something I’ve never done. Yeah, I got burned a few times, but that’s life.

Over the past few weeks, the negative parts of 2010 have seemed to be all I could think about. It seems like all I can focus on is how much I miss Eau Claire, how much I miss my friends, and how many times I’ve been hurt this year. After 3 years of being broken, I finally let people in (sort of) – and each and every one of them broke a little of my heart. Nothing I won’t recover from, since my walls never came completely down, but just enough to make me sad for awhile. I think it had a lot to do with moving again. I guess I always figured the next time I moved it would be back to where I want to be. And although my place is a lot nicer, it’s also bigger, so the emptiness is more evident.

That said, I’m about tired of being depressed. In the grand scheme of things, 2010 was amazing. I learned a lot about myself, had so many amazing moments, and met great people. The lives of everyone around me are changing – we’re all getting what we want. We’re all taking on new adventures, which is just part of growing up. During my end-of-the-year depression, I decided that 2011 needs to be MY year. I’m ready to have a year that’s only filled with the good moments. Is that impossible? Probably. But I’m sure as hell gonna try. The past 6 days haven’t been a very good start to the year, but I’ll let that slide. The universe obviously didn’t understand that 2011 is my year. But universe, now you know. So no more bullshit!

Things I’ve already got in store for 2011 that should help:

  • Becoming an aunt! (With that – being able to buy tons of little baby shoes and clothes!!!!! 🙂 )
  • Being a part of my Michelley’s (and T-cat’s) wedding
  • Seeing my friends become parents
  • *Hopefully* taking a real vacation
  • Being a year closer to graduating!
  • Turning 23 (ACK! – but ya’ll know how I feel about birthdays, so it’ll be ok)
  • Zac Brown Band at Country Jam (yay!)
  • Crossing more stuff off the Bucket List
  • Adventures with my favorite ladies
  • Ending the year doing something FUN on New Year’s Eve (cause I never do)

… and I’m sure many, many more things. Basically I’ve decided that I’m going to use all the psycho-babble bullshit that I’ll be using for the rest of my life. If I start believing that 2011 will be my year, then it will be. I always have, and always will, believe that everything happens for a reason – even the bad things, but now I’m just ready for loads and loads of good things to happen for a reason.

So, universe – let’s make 2011 my year. 🙂