Over the past month or so, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. (Scary, I know!) It all started with some fake Christmas letters I wrote that made me realize how ridiculous my personal life has been over the past year. I spent too much time being reckless and pretending that I could keep myself from getting my feelings hurt, so I fell for the wrong people. Over and over again. Ugh…
Despite all of the stupid things I did in 2010, I really did have a blast. Even though I started the year off moving away from everything and everyone I knew, spent awhile hating my life and being depressed, things started to look up. I had crazy, silly moments with friends, dominated dart boards, acted like a dumbass, and shared special moments with the people I love. I got to see one of my best friends get married, hear I’m going to be an aunt, be a mom to a crazy little kitten, meet the cutest puppy ever, and just go adventuring. The year ended with more wonderful news from my friends too. For the most part, 2010 was the year when I did whatever I wanted. Something I’ve never done. Yeah, I got burned a few times, but that’s life.
Over the past few weeks, the negative parts of 2010 have seemed to be all I could think about. It seems like all I can focus on is how much I miss Eau Claire, how much I miss my friends, and how many times I’ve been hurt this year. After 3 years of being broken, I finally let people in (sort of) – and each and every one of them broke a little of my heart. Nothing I won’t recover from, since my walls never came completely down, but just enough to make me sad for awhile. I think it had a lot to do with moving again. I guess I always figured the next time I moved it would be back to where I want to be. And although my place is a lot nicer, it’s also bigger, so the emptiness is more evident.
That said, I’m about tired of being depressed. In the grand scheme of things, 2010 was amazing. I learned a lot about myself, had so many amazing moments, and met great people. The lives of everyone around me are changing – we’re all getting what we want. We’re all taking on new adventures, which is just part of growing up. During my end-of-the-year depression, I decided that 2011 needs to be MY year. I’m ready to have a year that’s only filled with the good moments. Is that impossible? Probably. But I’m sure as hell gonna try. The past 6 days haven’t been a very good start to the year, but I’ll let that slide. The universe obviously didn’t understand that 2011 is my year. But universe, now you know. So no more bullshit!
Things I’ve already got in store for 2011 that should help:
- Becoming an aunt! (With that – being able to buy tons of little baby shoes and clothes!!!!! 🙂 )
- Being a part of my Michelley’s (and T-cat’s) wedding
- Seeing my friends become parents
- *Hopefully* taking a real vacation
- Being a year closer to graduating!
- Turning 23 (ACK! – but ya’ll know how I feel about birthdays, so it’ll be ok)
- Zac Brown Band at Country Jam (yay!)
- Crossing more stuff off the Bucket List
- Adventures with my favorite ladies
- Ending the year doing something FUN on New Year’s Eve (cause I never do)
… and I’m sure many, many more things. Basically I’ve decided that I’m going to use all the psycho-babble bullshit that I’ll be using for the rest of my life. If I start believing that 2011 will be my year, then it will be. I always have, and always will, believe that everything happens for a reason – even the bad things, but now I’m just ready for loads and loads of good things to happen for a reason.
So, universe – let’s make 2011 my year. 🙂