roadblocks

Question 4: What roadblocks are standing in your way?

I’m assuming this question relates to what I’m trying to accomplish that I answered in my last post, but I suppose it could be about many other things. When it comes to what I want to accomplish with the rest of my life career wise, a few roadblocks come to mind. The first is fear. Whenever I make a big decision, fear creeps in. I worry that I’ll make the wrong decision and that I’ll end up wishing for something else. I get scared every time I need to move somewhere new. I worry that I’ll hate it, that I won’t meet anyone, and that I’ll just wish to be where I came from.

I also think laziness plays a role. Especially right now, when going back to school is an option, I cannot even express how much I don’t want to have homework again. After going to school non-stop from age 5 to 23, this break has been incredible, and it’s sickening to think about going back, even if it’s the right thing for me, and even if it’s only for four classes.

Another roadblock that is an annoyance in many aspects of my life is what when I’m really busy, it’s basically impossible for me to relax – and that leads to bad headaches. The headaches then lead to crankiness and decreased productivity, which then leads to more stress. Vicious cycle, but I’m trying to figure it out.

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mini life update

Sometimes I feel like my life is never going to settle down, and as someone who has major future anxiety, that is difficult to handle. I’ve basically been waiting for the time I’m done with school, get a job I intend to stay at forever, and can buy a house since I was 20. I’m sure that’s because I’ve “rushed” through so much of my life. I finished college way earlier than most people, and then finished my Master’s at an early age. Now I will likely be going back for more school in the fall. It always seems like things happen at the worst time. Why couldn’t I have decided what I wanted to do with my life 3 years ago and saved myself all this extra time? It’s frustrating, but I guess it’s better to figure that all out when I’m 24, as opposed to 40, 50, 60.

I made the decision last week to put my notice in at work. I suppose I had actually made the decision not to stay months ago, but didn’t want to admit it to myself. I will be leaving here in about two months, and I don’t know where I’ll be going, where I’ll be living, or what I’ll be doing. It’s all variable based on how a job application turns out, unless I can decide what option would lead to be pursuing my true passion. (Maybe I know the answer to that but I’m scared to admit it).

Moving again also means that I’ll be farther away from many of the people I care about. These last few months have been pretty nice, especially being able to see my niece almost everyday. It’s so fun to watch her change and grow, and to actually be a part of her life. She knows who I am and she likes to have me around too (or at least it seems that way). I suppose she is at the age now where she won’t forget about me if she only sees me once a month. My new nephew, who was just born last weekend, won’t know me like Addison does, and that makes me a little sad. Maybe I’ll just have to teach them how to Skype.

I know that this career change/move is what will be best for me in the long run, so I’m trying not to get too worked up about it. I felt so guilty telling work that I would be leaving, because we’re in a big transition process and I didn’t want to screw up any momentum. But I realized, at the urging of others, that I need to think about me. It’s my life and my future, so I need to be in charge of it.

accomlishment

Continuing on my quest to become a more self-actualized person…

Question 3: What are you trying to accomplish and why?

When I read this question, I had no idea how to answer it. In the paragraph describing what this question is all about, there’s one line that stuck out at me. “You must identify, without any doubt, the specific reason you do the work you do.” I’ve struggled with this on and off in my life, and for me, right now, doing the work I do is a stepping stone. I do enjoy it, some parts more than others, but it was never meant to be a forever job. I enjoy helping people and I enjoy the parts of my job that allow me to work in the schools, but this is a temporary thing.

I’m doing this work so I can get to where I really want to be. I’m *still* trying to figure out where it is that I really want to be, but I think I have two very good options ahead of me. In my current job, the focus is mostly about helping people after violence has already occurred. What I want to focus my energy on is prevention – trying to stop abuse or violence from ever happening. I know it’s probably unrealistic, but my hope is that some day there will be no need for shelters because women and children won’t be abused and need to leave their homes. I hope to be able to empower young girls so that they are able to trust themselves to get out of a situation when it doesn’t feel right.

I’ve often thought that the thing I want most is to make other people’s lives better or easier. I think that’s still true – but right now I am in the process of figuring out how to make my life better. Figuring out what it is that I want to accomplish is a big step in that process, and I’m constantly working on it.

positive difference

Continuing on my quest to answer the “10 Questions You Should Know the Answers To” so I can become a more fully functioning person.

2. How can you make a positive difference?

I think I do a pretty good job at making a positive difference in the lives of those around me. I guess I do this on a daily basis just with the nature of my job, working in a shelter for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. But, it’s more than that. I like to think that I treat people with the respect they deserve, and even those who might not deserve it. Maybe it’s just that I’m overly nice to people. 

I also hope that I’m a positive example and role model to the young women I work with. There are of course things I’ve done in the past that I’m not proud of, but I can use those experiences to shape my advocacy and mentoring work. I apply the same philosophies when I work with youth that I use in my every day life: I treat these young people with respect, and hope that I will earn their respect in return. 

There are a few causes that I have dedicated some of my time and money to over the past few years, those being teen dating violence awareness and prevention, and reducing sexual prejudice – and I hope to continue that work. Changes are being made, especially when it comes to sexual prejudice, but there is much more to be done. As I progress in my career, and life, I would like to contribute more to those causes, as well as others. 

having pride

I’ve gotten to the point where I seem to be lacking inspiration again, so I decided to do another question series. This one I’m taking from the Marc and Angel Hack Life blog. You can find the original post here. I think maybe this will help a bit with my current mid-life crisis as well, because they’re supposed to “help you discover the very best in yourself.” Here goes…

1. What would make you proud of yourself?

It would make me proud of myself if I was able to live a life that serves others, and improves the lives of those around me. I know that I’m meant to be working in a field that helps others, in one way or another. I would also be proud of myself if I ever learn to finally say what I’m thinking and feeling. I’ve struggled with this for as long as I can remember, and it’s not getting any easier. I hope to someday master that, and if I can do it, I’ll be incredibly proud of myself. I think the struggle is that I’m worried about how my thoughts and feelings are going to effect others, and I guess I will eventually need to learn that sometimes it’s necessary to put myself first. 

I also want to live in a way that everyone I meet feels like I treated them with openness, respect and empathy, even if we had disagreements. If I could leave this world being known as a respectful, open, honest, warm person, I would feel immense pride.