if today were my last day

I’ve been slacking with writing again lately, probably because I’ve been busy packing and getting ready to move. I’ve noticed it is a lot easier for me to stay on track if I have some purpose to what I’m doing, so I’m going to delve into some more questions. I’ve sort of been on this track to self discovery, and I’m liking what I’m figuring out, so here goes. I’m taking these questions from another post on the Marc and Angel Hack Life blog. I probably won’t answer all of them, because my attention span isn’t that long, but I’ll at least do a few. You can find the original post here, if you’re interested. Here we go. 

If today were the last day of your life, would you want to do what you are about to do today?

I’m not actually going to answer this based on what I did today, because my day was pretty fabulous. I got to spend the morning/afternoon taking photos of my niece and nephew for my sister. If it was indeed the last day of my life, I would want to spend time with those two kiddos. I’ve actually thought about this question a lot over the last few years. When I was taking some online classes during my undergrad, I had an assignment where I had to list my goals for my life, and then list what my goals would be if I knew I would die in 6 months (or however long). My goals would be completely different. If I know I’m going to be an old lady and live a long life, then school and work and all those things are very important to me. But if I knew I was going to die in six months, I would live a vastly different life. 

I would not be wasting my time in school or with work. I would spend as much time as possible with my friends and family. I would get things in order. I would make sure that the people I love know how I feel for every second that I had left. I would take chances my brain usually tells me I shouldn’t take. I would travel to places I wouldn’t want to die without seeing first. I would do the things that scare me. I would find a way to leave a mark on the world. I would stop wasting my time with people who aren’t worth my time. I wouldn’t spend energy being nice to people who don’t deserve it. I would speak my mind. I would try not to care what other people think. I would only do the things that make me happy. I would try to say goodbye. 

I wish that I could live in that way all the time, but that’s not realistic. I wish I could not care about school and work and being responsible. But I’m an adult and that’s how the world works. I do, however, have control over who I spend my time with, how I present myself, what I do with my time, and how I treat people. I wish I could do all the things I’m scared of and let my guard down and go for what I want, but it’s not that easy, because I know I’ll be around to deal with the consequences, whether those are good or bad. 

I’ve had a few conversations with people about whether or not we’d want to know when we would die. I know it’s morbid, but I think I would like to know. I’d like to be able to prepare for it. Since middle or high school I’ve periodically written letters to a few people, in case something happens to me. That probably also seems morbid, but I’ve been in two car accidents now that if one little thing was different, I wouldn’t be here. I’d hate to just leave this place without the people closest to me having some sort of closure. I haven’t done any letters in awhile, probably because I’ve been busy, and it’s too hard to keep track of them. I know people I’ve talked to have said they wouldn’t want to know when they would die, because then it’s just like they’re waiting to die. But aren’t we all just waiting to die anyway?