what i should say

After years, you try to talk to me again.

As soon as I see the message notification, my anxiety sky-rockets.

I get shaky and can’t relax.

 

You say you’re sorry and want to catch up. 

You want my forgiveness.

I don’t respond.

I have nothing to say.

After a month, you try again.

Two messages this time.

Please will I give you a chance to apologize.

Let you make things right.

Now I’m just annoyed. 

I didn’t respond for a reason.

Figure it out.

These are the things I want to say to you:

“I am not interested in hearing anything you have to say. I don’t want to catch up or have you know anything about my life, nor do I care about anything that’s going on with you. There is no part of me that wants to talk to you or even have to think about you. I didn’t respond to your first message for a reason. Please leave me alone and don’t try to contact me again.” 

But I won’t say any of these.

Because for some reason,

I’m still worried about being a bitch.

And I hate that.

 

well that was fun

It usually takes a lot for me to get rattled, but something about this week just pushed me to the edge. It all started over the weekend when I spent an entire day doing homework, started questioning if I was doing it right, realized the next day that I wasn’t, because my professor had given two different sets of instructions, and decided to flip back to the first set, so I had to re-do everything the next day. Because it took so long to get clarification on that project, I sucked during one of my counseling tapes because I couldn’t focus. That just made me feel bad, because I sucked as a counselor and as a client for my partner, which didn’t help her tape at all. The Superbowl turned out to be a non-exciting blow out, wah wah. Monday I messed up a bunch of stuff at work and had to re-do it and ended up having an extra long day because I had signed up to volunteer at night. By Tuesday everything had taken it’s tole and I was just on edge to everyone. I was just hoping to make it through the day without punching someone when I got a snotty email from a client at work. I almost lost it. In reality, it wasn’t a big deal, but it was just the second time this girl did something like this, and it’s always just a clear example of how immature and stupid she is. I think it bothered me so much because I can’t stand it when people think I’m incompetent at something, which is what she was getting at. Even though she was expecting me to be a mind reader and fix a problem before I knew about it. When I saw the email, I wanted to snap back at her so bad, but I was able to keep my composure and respond professionally. To top off the day, my professor was 20 mins late for our meeting, which was supposed to be the end of my day. Minor annoyances, but being late is in my top 3 pet peeves.

Anyway, this horrible week has taught me some important things. First, even though spending 4 hours volunteering was not what I wanted to do, and it did get long, it felt so good to bond with some of the kiddos. There are few better feelings than having a kid grab onto your hand and ask you for help, or putting their little shoes on yours so they can go for a ride when you walk around the room. It definitely gets me excited for the future. 

I’m thankful for those around me who constantly encourage me and help pick me up during weeks like this. Even just a silly text that makes me smile helps so much. It had been so long since I’ve really relaxed or done any self care, so I need to remember to do that before I let myself get to this point. No one likes crazy stressed out me. 

I’m also thankful for the counseling department I’m in. We laughed so much in class tonight – we all seem to have the ability to laugh at ourselves. It also just continues to keep me excited about my future in the counseling profession. I was geeking out majorly learning more about cognitive therapy, because in almost every instance I can see myself. Thinking about the way I think and handle stress is going to be incredibly helpful as I navigate my way through my personal and professional life. I was also reminded tonight that I need to learn how to relax. (This has been a process for the last 10 or so years, so maybe someday). We did a mindfulness activity where we were supposed to close our eyes, clear our minds, and focus on our breathing. Listening to breathing makes me anxious and causes me to breathe faster and makes my heart race, so there was that. Then, all I could think about was how much my contacts hurt and I wanted to take them out, or how uncomfortably quiet it was in the room. Ugh. I’ll get there someday. Apparently it’s not important that I know how to relax, but just that I can teach someone else to do it. 

All I can say is thank god this week is almost over.