I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how life repeats itself, courtesy of some work I’m doing on myself. I’ve known this about my life for some time, but hearing someone else say it makes it real. I’m incredibly aware of how I’ve done the same thing over and over again or been in the situation many different times in the last 10 or so years, and I just can’t seem to ever do anything differently, despite telling myself that I will, or that I’m growing and learning. But I’m not really growing or learning it seems, and at 25, that’s incredibly frustrating.
One of the biggest things I’m trying to work on is being ok with what I want and not feeling a need to justify it. Or rather, being able to admit what I don’t want, and not needing to feel like I need a long, drawn-out explanation as to why. If I don’t want something, I really don’t need to justify it to anyone else. That’s always been hard for me, but until recently, I never gave it much thought. I think I focus too much on the needs and wants of other people, and that’s why I feel a need for justification. So I don’t feel come across as a bitch, or stuck up, or snooty, or whatever. But at 25, shouldn’t I be able to just say what I want and have it be ok?
I had a conversation with a friend this weekend about how this is so much easier for guys, or at least we think it is. Guys seem to be able to just say, “I’ll do what I want and who gives a fuck if someone doesn’t like it.” Do they really “not give a fuck?” Or is this just something little boys are taught when they are young, while girls are being taught that we need to care about other people’s feelings and do what we can to make others happy? I really don’t know.
What I do know is that I’m trying to sort this all out. For so much of my life I’ve avoided looking at how I really feel that it’s a slow process to start, but hopefully I’ll come out of this a better, stronger, more assertive person.